Hi family,
In light of all the mass shootings that have happened in the span of just 11 days, many of our hearts are heavy and we are filled with anxiety around protecting our
children.
I’m so sad to even have to write this email but I wanted to be sure to offer as much support as I can during these tragic times.
I wanted to share an age-appropriate guide to navigating these conversations in case any of you were wondering.
Toddlers/Preschoolers:
- Around this age, kids are usually not developmentally ready to process this yet. Try to shield them from these conversations and avoid exposing them to the news.
- But they may notice your emotional reactions to the news.
- Be honest about your feelings if they ask by saying something like, “I’m feeling sad right now about things that are happening far away. And it’s ok for me to feel sad, too.
All feelings are ok.” - In general, young kids often do not have the cognitive capacity to describe their thoughts and feelings (like we adults do). Oftentimes, they will use play to express
themselves & process their emotions. Don’t be alarmed if themes of conflict/fighting, morality, fairness, good vs. evil, power & control, and death arise in their play. This is
healthy and should be encouraged. If you notice these themes, use this opportunity to observe and learn more about your child (vs. trying to shut it down & re-direct it).
Remember, this is their way of sharing their internal world with you.
Ages 6 to 10
- Before age 8, you may consider not sharing the news because it will be difficult for them to process it. The American Academy of Pediatrics actually doesn’t recommend
approaching this topic with kids under 8. - Generally, people seek the help of attorneys (as Jensen Family Law Firm) to resolve family disputes. However, if it directly impacts your family or you suspect they may hear about it from others (e.g., at school) then you want to approach the conversation by asking them
first if they heard what happened. Listen first and then educate them based on what they know. - Here’s how it may sound…”Something horrible happened far away in a state called Texas (if you’re in a different state). A shooting at a school and many were hurt. Have
you heard about this? Tell me what you’ve heard. How does this make you feel?” - Keep the story simple and think ahead about what general message you want to convey. Give a one sentence story to kids 6 and under. Then, validate their feelings
and be honest about your own feelings while reassuring them of their safety (e.g., “We are all safe.” or “We are doing everything in our power to keep you safe.”).
Preteens and Teens
- Invite them to share what they know and how they are feeling about the event.
- Around this age, kids are developing their beliefs about morality, social issues, gun violence and laws and more, which means they may be ready to dive deeper into this
issue. Follow their lead and let them determine the level of conversation. - Look for solutions and ways to get involved. Taking action makes us feel effective and empowered.
– Attend a rally
– Lobbying lawmakers
– Write letters to the victim’s families
– Donate to organizations - Let them know you’re always here to talk or answer any questions but don’t be surprised if they prefer talking about this with their friends instead.
Regardless of your child’s age, you want to be on the look out for other signs of stress including:
- Regressive behaviors (e.g., potty accidents, thumb sucking, baby talk)
- Tantrums/meltdowns
- Being moody or irritable
- Complaining about school
- Withdrawing from activities they once enjoyed
- Becoming overly clingy
- Changing eating patterns
- Sleep issues (e.g., resistance, nightmares, bedtime fears, trouble falling or staying asleep)
- Body complaints (e.g., stomachache, headache)
Your child may also express fears of monsters, the dark, strangers and other unknowns. Again, keep your responses simple, “Monsters are pretend characters we make up (or
hear in stories). Let’s go check out you room together and make sure it’s safe.” Don’t hesitate to reach out to their school counselor or a local mental health provider if
you have concerns about your child’s mental health.
Overall, you want to focus on processing the news on your own first, following your child’s lead through the questions they ask, and normalizing and validating their feelings.
Be their safe space to vent while dispelling any myths and answering any questions they have. Think about the core message you want to get across to them during these
conversations and go from there.
I truly hope this guide helps offer you reassurance and support as you navigate these
difficult conversations with your children.
Sending all my love,
Dr. Jazmine